Monday, August 8, 2011
Just Too Tired
I'm sorry I haven't updated in such a long time. Our little girl has been home for a bit over a month now and we're still just trying to adjust to life with not only two kids, but a special needs child as well. She keeps me hopping all day and night, but we're glad to have her home. At some point I'll write out her birth story and the story of our time at the NICU. It's still just too soon. And I'll write too about the struggles we're having with bonding now that she's home. There was a lot of trauma in her first few months and I have to admit I don't feel like she's mine yet. I feel like her nurse and I'm afraid she sees me that way, too. Things are getting better, but we're still in crisis/survival mode. Please just continue to pray for us. And pray for me as I still grieve what we've lost and struggle to make up for it now.
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2 comments:
Praying, Megan <3
Hi, Megan. I popped over from Natural Parents Network to look at your Wordless Wednesday and I started reading some of your other posts. I just wanted to let you know that things do get better when it comes to bonding with a NICU baby.
My twin boys were born at 34 weeks after an incredibly rough 10 weeks of fighting off preterm labor. They did not have any birth defects, but they could not coordinate their suck-swallow-breathe reflex. Gus was in the NICU for 12 days, Jack for 21. Leaving them there when I was discharged after an unwanted c-section was probably the hardest thing I've ever done... until I brought them home, that is.
I literally felt like a milk machine as I pumped and bottle fed my babies day and night. I slept maybe three non-consecutive hours in any given 24 hour period. I was battling sleep deprivation and loosing. My babies didn't feel like mine. I cared for them as they suffered colic the best way I knew how because I knew intellectually that's what I was supposed to do, but I didn't feel like mama.
Finally, after about three months of marathon nursing sessions, sleepless nights and days, and an actual psychotic break, things started to get better. Those first milky smiles were the first sign that they knew me as mama.
I didn't mean to write a small novel, but I wanted to you know that you are not alone in the mommy blogosphere.
There is a light at the end of your tunnel.
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