They Didn't Know Me Then

I had a revelation a few weeks back that seems to have really changed the way I interact with people in regards to our natural living side.  I realized that the people I know now didn't know me four years ago.  They didn't know me when I could barely walk.  They didn't know me when I was in so much pain that even sitting or lying down was unbearable.  When I was spending thousands of dollars a year on massages to keep me functioning.  When I was having test after test done, only to be told time and time again that it was all in my head.  That I just was doing this for attention.  They didn't know me when I was horribly depressed and struggling to get anything done.  When I had constant suicidal thoughts.  When I cried every day.  When I hated my life.

They didn't know me through any of that.  They didn't know about the desperation of knowing something is wrong and not getting anyone to listen.  Or the fear of never being able to have a normal life.  Or the shock of being told you may end up on disability for the rest of your life.  Or the disgust of being diagnosed with fibromyalgia simply because the doctor wants you to shut up and leave him alone instead of doing his job.  Or the despair of every doctor trying to prescribe you yet another pain med, another antidepressant.

The people I know today only see who I am now: healthy, happy, and loving life again.  And so what do they think?  They think that my husband (who also had health issues in the past) and I are just a couple of nuts.  Just a pair of hippies who converted to this natural living stuff because it's cool or trendy or because we just love being different. 

They can't possibly know that we had no choice.

They don't know how we were abandoned by the medical community because we didn't want to simply cover up our symptoms.  We wanted to discover and solve the problem!  And so we were forced to go outside the mainstream.  And it worked. And we're healthy.  And we thank God for leading us to the solution.  And we especially thank Him for gently leading us there as He knocked down the walls and prejudices we had built up.

The people who just met us can't understand our skepticism toward the medical community.  They can't understand why I would do things the 'hard' way. Or why I research everything on my own instead of just doing what my doctor says is 'proven'.

But one thing they can and should know about us is that we aren't going to change. Not to fit in.  Not to be accepted.  Not to be normal.

Because none of those things will ever be worth my health.

Beyond a Year

I never started out to breastfeed my daughter beyond a year.  My mom breastfed me and my sisters to a year and anything beyond that sounded ridiculous to me.  Even gross.  I could not wrap my head around why ANYONE would want to breastfeed past a year.  I wasn't even sure how someone could justify it.

But then we went through colic.  And I began breastfeeding on demand.  And we decided to do child-led solids which meant Little Miss wasn't getting many calories from eating regular food.  I read somewhere that a child's diet should be 80% breastmilk at a year.  80%!  How could I possibly wean my child off of 80% of her diet?  So as a year approached, I realized that neither of us were ready to wean.  I had been responding to her needs for the past year, and I couldn't imagine suddenly saying no to those needs.

Now many people say, well, you must not have struggled.  And in many ways, you're right.  I didn't struggle as much as other people, but we definitely had struggles.  We had the nurses in the hospital doing everything possible to sabotage my breastfeeding.  We had major difficulties with a good latch because of said nurses.  I suspect now that the colic was because I had an oversupply which caused her to get only fore milk which upset her stomach.  She didn't sleep through the night until 10 1/2 months.  She got her first 2 teeth rather early and bit me.  Hard.  Multiple times.  We went from 2 to 8 teeth in 2 weeks and spent the next 2-3 months trying to figure out better positions and getting a good latch.  I got mastitis a few times.  I had cuts in my nipples from her adjusting to her teeth.  She still nurses at least 8 times a day, but for short amounts of time. She's currently getting molars and has slept through the night twice in the last 2 months. And I'm sure we'll have more struggles.

But ya know what?  It's been worth it.  I love that she is getting the food that is designed for her.  I love when she kicks and smiles because she is that excited to nurse.  I love when she decides that nursing while standing on one leg would be fun to do.  I love when she has to stop to point out my belly button for me.  I love when she has to stop to point out her belly button for me.  I love how she has to investigate my mouth and teeth while nursing.  I love when she decides to give me a raspberry and giggles!  I love when she snuggles up next to me at night and falls asleep nursing.

I never thought I would love nursing a toddler.  I plain never thought it was even a possibility for me.  I have no idea how long we'll nurse.  Hopefully to 2 years, at least.  She doesn't show any signs of stopping now, which gives me hope that we'll reach that goal, but who knows?

I suppose I'll just have to let her take the lead.  Just like she's been doing for the past 16 months. 

On Being Thankful for Colic

Before our daughter was born, my husband and I tried very hard to keep from drifting into the "parenting is going to be ALWAYS wonderful" land.  We did our best to remember that there would be sleepless nights and rough times.  But nothing could prepare us for our daughter.  She screamed.  A lot.  She cried.  A lot.  She refused to sleep.  She demanded to be bounced 24/7.  The first four months of her life are still a tear-filled blur.  Now, I'm not saying we didn't have amazing times with her.  We didn't want to give her back and we loved her more than we thought was possible.  But it was rough.  Rah-ah-ah-heally rough.

At first, we tried to get her to sleep in her own bed.  That's what good parents do, right?  But she ended up in bed with me every night.  She demanded to be held constantly so I looked into babywearing.  She would actually sleep when I had her in the wrap.  *bliss*  At first I tried to nurse on a schedule, but she was always hungry and nursing seemed to be one the few things that calmed her.  I started nursing on demand.

I did everything that "good" parents are supposed to do in our day and age and it just plain didn't work.  And ya know what?  I'm so very very glad.  I'm glad that our daughter forced us onto a different parenting style.  Co-sleeping.  Babywearing.  Nursing on demand.  Nursing beyond a year.  Our high need daughter led us down a path we never expected to take and I'm grateful.  God definitely knew the kind of child we needed first: one that would shock us into parenthood.  Shock us into doing things we never thought we would.  Shock us into turning away from mainstream parenthood.  Shock us into a way of parenting that we resisted and now love.

As hard as those colicky days and nights were, I'm so thankful for them.

But I still hope that our next one is a better sleeper.