Going Against My Mommy Instincts

I've been discouraged from going to the NICU to see my baby. 
And I think it's the right thing. 
But I hate it. 

She's extremely uncomfortable with the breathing apparatus they've rigged up and gets agitated easily.  She's feisty. :) But when I'm there, she won't calm down.  She wants to be with me. When I hold her, she loves it, but when I put her down, she hates it.  I want to hold her.  I want to snuggle her all day.  But I can't.  I have another daughter who needs me.  I need to eat and pump and sleep so I can be ready when she comes home.  And when she gets agitated like that and they can't get her to calm down, they have to drug her.  And I hate that. 

So I'm staying away.  Just until the surgery on Friday morning, but it breaks my heart.  I hate thinking of her lying there alone with no one to touch her, talk to her, sing to her, snuggle her. The nurses said they just try to leave her alone as much as possible.  And I know that's the best thing for her right now, but it goes against everything in me as her mommy. 

This will be Day 2 of not seeing her. We'll all be heading up to the NICU tomorrow evening to stay overnight before the surgery and then hopefully sometime after the surgery (hours? days?) I'll get to hold her again.  And she won't have to struggle to breathe.  And maybe I'll get to nurse her and comfort her the way she really wants to be comforted.  I cannot wait for that day.  And then I cannot wait for the day I can bring her home.  And nurse her on demand.  And wear her in the wrap. And take her for a walk. And see her entire face. And get to know her. And watch her grow (but not too fast! I've already missed too much!).

I miss my baby. 

All that Hath Life and Breath

In times of trial, Christians many times say that God never gives us more than we can handle.  But He does.  He gives us more than we could ever handle on our own.  Why else would we run to Him in times such as these?  My first daughter has a hymn with her name: Great is Thy Faithfulness and our newest daughter also has a hymn.  God amazes me with how well He knew her and her situation before we had any idea!  God kept steering me back to the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty.  I kept pulling away from it, but He kept bringing it up again and again.  We sang it at multiple churches on multiple occasions and now, where we are, I can see how perfect it is for my little girl:

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise him, for he is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear,
Now to his temple draw near,
Join me in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under his wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what he ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee!
Surely his goodness and mercy here daily attend thee;
Ponder anew
What the Almighty will do,
If with his love he befriend thee!

Praise to the Lord, who with marvelous wisdom hath made thee,
Decked thee with health, and with loving hand guided and stayed thee.
How oft in grief
Hath not he brought thee relief,
Spreading his wings to o'ershade thee!

Praise to the Lord! O let all that is in me adore him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before him.
Let the Amen
Sound from his people again;
Gladly fore'er we adore him.

Could that not be more perfect for our little girl, struggling to breathe and spending weeks in the NICU?  I've printed out the words and hung them up in her room and they are a constant source of comfort to me.  Not just the words themselves, but the reminder that our loving, sovereign God worked out so many things to bring this hymn to my mind over and over again.  If He cares that much about her name and what hymn I picked to go with it, then surely He cares enough to watch over her and care for her.  Praise to the Lord!

Living in the Land of Pushing

At some point I hope to process and write out all that happened during and since my second daughter's birth, but at this point I more just want to talk about where I'm at right now.

We got to the point of pushing rather unexpectedly after I laid down to rest before starting up pitocin (I had stalled out at a 7 for quite a few hours and was exhausted).  Apparently my body just needed a few minutes of sleep to get us to the next phase.  After just 15 minutes of sleep interrupted by 3 contractions, I was pushing my little girl out.  I was not ready mentally or emotionally to enter into the pushing and as my daughter's heart rate started to drop, natural pushing was replaced with forced pushing and panic.  There were quite a few moments where I went over the edge of panic and screamed and screamed.  I yelled that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do it.  Thank the Lord for our doula and my husband who kept bringing me back to the task at hand.  My doula kept saying, "You are doing it!" In my recollection, we couldn't have pushed for more than 15 or 20 minutes, but who knows what reality was?  I got her out.  Without pictocin.  Without the vacuum.  My body got her out. 

But most women say after you hold that new little life, you forget all about the Land of Pushing.  It fades away as you look at your baby.  But I didn't get to hold her.  I didn't even get to see more than her arms and legs over on the table across the room, not moving.  And I don't think I ever left the Land of Pushing.  I still remember the terror I felt and falling over the edge into panic.  I think I'm still living there.  So many times throughout the last week, I wanted to start screaming again like I did when pushing.  I wanted to yell to everyone around me that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do this.  My doula's words kept coming back to me though.  You are doing it.

But I've set up camp here.  I've pitched my tent right here at the edge of panic.  I look forward to the day when I can take this tent down, take my baby home, and move away from where I am now.  I know that day will come, but I can't think about how far away it may be.  All I can do is remember that no matter how much I feel like I can't do it, I am still doing it. There is no choice.  Time continues on.

She's Here, But Not Home.

Our little girl has arrived, but has not yet been held by Mommy or Daddy.  She was born a little after midnight (I don't actually know the time come to think of it) but wasn't breathing.  Once she was stabilized enough she was taken to a NICU about 45 minutes from where we live.  My husband was able to go right away with her, but I had to stay a bit longer.  Fortunately because her birth was natural and I had minimal tearing, I was discharger about 12 hrs after her birth and able to join everyone at the NICU. 

She has now been officially diagnosed with bilateral choanal atresia which is where both nasal passages are blocked.  As babies are obligate nose breathers, this kept our little girl from getting any breaths after birth.  She will require surgery, but they want to rule out other conditions as choanal atresia is typically seen with other problems.  She has already been weaned off oxygen and blood pressure meds and a heart murmur she had when she first arrived has resolved itself.  She is on antibiotics for possible pneumonia because she has so much junk in her lungs. 

Please be praying for our little girl and also her parents and sister.  Little Miss is having a rough time being uprooted and not seeing Mommy as often, but the girl is also helping keep my supply up along with pumping so hopefully her sister will still get to nurse at some point.  Hopefully by the end of the day we will have some idea of what the next step is and how soon they can fix her nose.

And even though I haven't held her or seen her entire face yet, I can tell you she is quite the cutie and quite the little fighter.  Cannot wait until she's in my arms and I can look at that sweet girl for hours!

36ish weeks and NOT READY!

Easter Sunday and 36 weeks

 
So I'm now 36 1/2ish weeks.  Measuring over 42 weeks. For some reason since my appointment last week my pregnancy math skills did this: 41-35 = 4 weeks big.  Um yeah...that's definitely 6 weeks big.  No wonder I'm down to 2 shirts, only one of which isn't stained.  Both shirts were made or altered by me to fit too.  I might have to make another one or two to get me through potentially 6 more weeks of pregnancy.  Let's hope it's more like 2-4 weeks though.

As for comfort: I was doing okay until I realized the baby had more than likely dislocated a rib.  It hurt A LOT.  But then I got it popped back in and it's been feeling better.  BUT THEN, the baby decided ramming its head into my left hip was a comfy spot and now I have little use of my left leg most of the time and am in so much pain when I lie down I can barely sleep.  And it doesn't help that my daughter's mouth has picked NOW to work on 2 year molars.  Yeah, she worked on her last 8 teeth in my first trimester.  Her mouth hates me.   So even if I do fall asleep, she's waking up a good 3-4 times a night. 

But this baby is not allowed to come until next week at the earliest.  My doctor, doula, and parents are all out of town until then and I simply have not planned enough to do this without them.  I'm in a slight panic about the whole thing, actually.  I know I can get this baby out, but I'm not sure I can do it naturally without the support of my "team."  So prayers appreciated that the baby will wait at least until the middle of next week when everyone will be around.

I still don't have other essentials ready for the baby.  Like a name.  I *think* we've settled on a girl's name, but the boy's name is still not coming together.  At all.  We had a list of three potential names, but the more I said them, the more I didn't like them.  So we scrapped them and started over.  And I'm still not thrilled with any of the names I've come up with.  The name I fell in love with is one my husband does not like at all.  Which is fine, this is his child, too.  But it's hard for me to get past that name I have in the back of my head.  And so far every other name I've come up with that I like, there is some sort of "baggage" one of us has associated with it: an old boss who was a total jerk, a high school teacher that was an idiot, a family member that is not particularly preferred, etc.  Names are hard.  And I think they're harder now than they were back in the day.  I mean, honestly, our grandparents just picked a name, didn't matter if their cousin or next door neighbor had the same name.  But now, if an old highschool classmate that you weren't even friends with but is now your friend on facebook has a child with that name, you cannot use it or you're perceived as copying.  Really???? ugh.  And here's the thing, I don't want to pick a name that is too trendy, but it seems like that sometimes can't be helped.  We named our daughter and only knew of one or two other people who had that name, but now everyone I meet has a daughter or granddaughter with that name.  Just. Can't. Win.

So I'm stressing just a bit.  I still need to finish my birthing skirt (based on this tutorial).  I haven't finished reading the birthing books I want to. Nor have I sat my husband down and forced him to read certain sections so he can be helpful during labor.  My birth plan is still in my head and not on paper.  I need to get my sitz bath stuff put together or any other postpartum stuff.  Haven't organized or even made a list for my hospital bag.  I really wanted to make a little present for Little Miss from the baby.  I had hoped to get some freezer meals together (since I think I'm opting out of getting meals through our church: our diet is fairly particular and I've heard what the women say about new moms with special food requests. Plus I just flat out don't want any visitors for awhile).  I need to make a sign for the door that says in a nice way to go away because I'm resting.  The hubby and I have finally decided a tv in our bedroom would be super helpful for me when I'm in recovery, so that needs to happen.  Plus the hubby is in full "get going on finishing the basement" mode. 

So little sleep + too much to do = exhausted and stressed.  And the thought of just a few more weeks is both terrifying and comforting.  I'll survive, I know I will, but will I have the energy to get through a natural labor?  Hopefully.

The Birth of My Daughter Part Two

Part One

My daughter's birth was certainly not as horrible as it could have been, nor as traumatic as other women's experiences, but was still far from what it should have been.  I knew deep down that I was not happy with her birth, but for a long time I claimed everything went great.  I mean, after all, a healthy baby is the only thing that determines whether a birth went well or not, right?  It wasn't until I started learning more about natural living, breastfeeding, pregnancy, and birth that I finally acknowledged why I tried to never think about her birth.  Hopefully after writing all of this down, I can think about our first face to face meeting with a little less guilt and anger.  This won't be stellar writing (not that I ever write well) as the memories are very choppy.

So we left off with us going to check into the hospital the morning after my water broke.  We got there, checked in, and were put in a room.  I was told to change into a gown and they started making the calls necessary to get my records from my doctor.  I was terrified.  I had not given much thought to birthing our daughter.  I figured we would just take it one step at a time and never researched into anything.  ANYTHING.  So when they handed me a pill and told me they needed to induce me, even though I was having contractions and labor was clearly beginning (though slowly), I did what they told me.  It wasn't until over a year later that I learned that what they gave me, Cytotec, is not only not approved by the FDA for inducing labor, but has been linked to uterine rupture and the deaths of the mother and/or child.  There is no standard dosage which means doctors are just guessing.  It says in my chart that they went over the risks and the fact that this was an off-label use of the drug, but my husband and I have no memory of this.  Even if they had, I don't personally believe that informed consent of this kind can take place while in labor when the one offering the drug is in a position of authority. It infuriates me that they experimented on both me and my child and risked both our lives simply because they were too impatient to wait for my body to do what it needed to do. 

About a half hour after taking the Cytotec, the contractions started hard.  Really hard.  I panicked.  I called the nurse and told her how much pain I was in.  She just shrugged and said that's how it starts.  I felt stupid.  I felt ashamed that I could not even handle the BEGINNING of labor.  And I agreed to the epidural.  I didn't see any other option.  I was clearly a wimp. I was already confined to the bed with all the monitors, so having zero use of my legs didn't seem to matter much.  When the anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural, I was beyond pain and I became convinced he was going to paralyze me.  My husband tried to calm me down and keep me still, but I was freaking out and crying.  I sometimes wonder if the Cytotec made me a bit paranoid as well.  And then the pain was gone.  And I started getting loopy.  Cracking jokes, feeling funny. I had become completely disconnected from my daughter's birth. 

My husband went to get something to eat where the poor man cried as he tried to deal with the stress of having lost his grandfather and his wife having his first child.  That's a lot to handle.  A lot.  While he was gone, I started feeling pain again.  Lots of pain.  I had to start breathing through contractions again, but I didn't want to up the epidural level.  My husband returned, the nurse checked me, informed us I was complete, and they wheeled all the equipment in.  I had gone from 4/5 cm to complete in about 15-20 minutes.  The epidural dosage was low enough that I could still feel and push (which I am so grateful for!).  They, of course, had me do forced pushing: pushing for 10 seconds/3 times every contraction.  My husband counted to 10 probably a thousand times in those three hours.  It didn't feel like 3 hours to either of us though.  In fact, up until my current doctor informed me a few months ago that I had pushed that long, we were both convinced I only pushed for an hour and a half at the most.

It turned out Little Miss was face up and pushing on my back, which hurt like crazy, especially when I was confined to a bed ON MY BACK!!  I had a bruised tailbone for months.  She rotated on her own though in the birth canal and was born face down.  Unfortunately she dragged her little arm up by her face and did a little more tearing that I would've liked.

I remember the doctor asking me if I wanted to touch her head with all its hair as she was crowning and I promptly refused.  I think I was only thinking of the current pushing and forgot completely what it was I was striving for.  Little Miss did not seem to be my goal, if that makes sense.  And I was disgusted with the whole birthing process.  I felt so exposed and ashamed, I just wanted it over with.

She was born at 3:05pm on Monday, June 1st, 2009 and my first thought when they put her on my chest was "Eww, couldn't they have cleaned her off first?" That makes me sad.  I didn't feel that excited.  I didn't really care.  They took her again, poked, prodded, and nearly got decked by my husband.  He went instantly into protect mode and still struggles with not stopping how rough they were with her.  One happy memory I have is of my husband saying something and Little Miss lifting her head to look at him.  She must have recognized that voice!  They took her away after the poking and prodding to give her a bath and such and my husband went with.  All I could think was that I barely got to see her.  They could bring me back a completely different baby and I would never know!  I had nightmares for a long time that I couldn't recognize my own child.  I'm not sure how long they were gone and I have no memory of her being brought back or even of nursing her, though I know I did right when she returned.  I know mentally that she latched on strong and well, but I can't picture the moment.  And I have no emotion attached with seeing her again.

I think that's what bothers me most about her birth: the sterility of it all.  The drugs, the matter of factness, the lack of emotions from those attending as well as myself and the fact that I just flat out can't remember so many things that should be etched in my mind as life altering.  I feel like I had those memories stolen from me and I will never get them back.

The next few days in the hospital were rough.  My back hurt from both the back labor and the epidural placement and I struggled to even walk.  One of my legs continued to feel tingly for at least a month which freaked me out to no end.  And I still struggled with being apathetic to the fact that I now had a beautiful, wonderful baby girl.  I was now a mother, but I just didn't seem to care.  I still felt very ashamed of the birth and the lack of dignity I was allowed.  I remember a nurse walking in on me while I was going to the bathroom and asking me questions.  I was so embarrassed and it only added to my sense of shame and lack of personhood within the hospital walls.

And then there was breastfeeding.  Even though they said I was doing great, Little Miss had a good latch, and my milk seemed to have come in, they said my daughter was starving and needed formula.  I refused the first time or so, but when a nurse kept telling me my baby was "so hungry" I eventually gave my permission.  They forced more than 4 oz into her tiny stomach (barely the size of a walnut) which she promptly threw up everywhere.  And they continued to do that repeatedly during my stay.  I'm crying now just thinking that I allowed that to happen.  They kept saying she wasn't getting enough, never enough.  I would nurse her for 45 minutes or so and then they insisted she get a bottle on top of that.  We did that until she was 10 days old when I finally put my foot down and said NO MORE.  I knew that's not what I wanted and I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  I still think the formula played a role in why she was so colicky.  I had allowed her gut flora to be sabotaged and her digestion wasn't working the way it was supposed to.  She spit up a lot during those months.  And it just breaks my heart that she suffered so much in her first few days, weeks, and months. 

We recovered physically.  We bonded.  We exclusively breastfed from Day 10 to 7 months.  And we're still breastfeeding at 23 months.  And she is amazing.  And I can barely stand to be away from her for more than a few hours because I just miss that cutie pie!  I've done the best I can to make up for those first few days and weeks, but I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for what I allowed to happen.  I could say I just didn't know any better, but that's the point.  We, who have access to information more than any other generation in the world, should know better.  I plan everything.  I'm a list maker.  I research things to no end.  But I didn't research with pregnancy or birth.  At all.  I picked the wrong people to trust and I deserved what happened to me.  But my daughter did not.  She should have been brought into the world better than the way I gave her.  She should have been protected better than I protected.  And she should have been loved better than I loved.

The only way I've been able to console myself in this is knowing our God is sovereign.  Because of how her birth went, we made changes in our lives.  Our lifestyles have changed drastically and we've done the research for this next child's birth.  God is good.  If her birth had been natural and perfect, I can pretty much guarantee we would not have made many of the changes we've made.  I can also guarantee that there would be a lot more arrogance in my attitudes towards those struggling with their birth or breastfeeding experiences.  I still will grieve over her birth, but can at least move forward knowing that God is in control, even when it feels like everything else is so out of control.

The Birth of My Daughter Part One

I've never written down the birth of my daughter.  I've always tried to steer my thoughts away from those days in the hospital, but I think I need to deal with the anger and guilt I feel over that experience so that I can be fully present in the birth of my next child.


My pregnancy with my daughter was rough from the start.  We had lost our first child in a miscarriage and looking back, I think that stripped me of any confidence I had in my body.  I was terrified that I couldn't even carry a baby to term, let alone birth said baby.  I had already failed as a mother in my mind, unable to protect that little life, so how could I possibly trust my body throughout another pregnancy and then a birth?  I was incredibly insecure during the pregnancy, from the doubts of my abilities to the drastic changes in my body.

And like most women, I trusted my doctor.  I trusted medicine.  And this is where I feel guilt.  I had already been burned horribly by the medical community and they had done nothing to regain my trust and yet I trusted.  They had told me I was a weak, attention-seeking complainer and even after I had proven that wasn't true, I still let them tell me I was weak and incapable of doing anything.  Why did I let that happen?  Why didn't I stand up for myself and my child?  I should have known better.  I failed yet again to protect my babies.  I followed all the medical advice.  I did everything I was supposed to do, but there I was, swollen, my blood pressure rising and desperately trying to convince the doctor to induce me.  For ignoring me on this point, I thank him.  I would have done almost anything to just not be pregnant anymore.

When I was about 34 weeks along, we learned that my husband's grandfather had cancer.  The really bad cancer that just comes in and destroys in a matter of months.  We went to visit him and prayed he would live to see his first grandchild, but God had other plans.  Thursday, May 28th, 2009, he went to be with the Lord.  I had woken up that day feeling absolutely amazing and energetic at 38 weeks.  I knew that baby was coming, but at 9 am, my husband came home crying to tell me Grandpa had died.  What could we do?  We only had a few options: not going to the funeral, my husband going without me, or both of us going and risking the baby coming.  Not going at all was quickly rejected as I knew my husband would always regret it.  I was terrified to have him go without me especially since I woke up feeling so incredibly amazing.  So we decided to go together.

Sunday we had church and then gathered as a family before the visitation.  My daughter was going crazy in the womb.  My husband's cousin looked on in horror as feet and hands could be seen pushing my belly out and bouncing everything around.  I was getting more and more uncomfortable and my mother-in-law told me later that watching me walk, it seemed like the baby's head was RIGHT there.  Visitation over and back to the house where we talked about Grandpa and laughed and laughed (he was a VERY good joke teller!). I think the laughing was what did me in.  I got up to the go to the bathroom (for about the 40th time) and halfway down the hallway I started peeing my pants.  Or so I thought at first.  It didn't stop though.  I went back to the room and firmly told Ty I thought we should go to bed.  I went downstairs where I found my MIL and asked her how I would know if my water broke.  I believe her exact response was "Really?????" spoken with just a hint of dread.  We decided to labor at the house for as long as possible, but labor never really started.  I maybe had 2 or 3 contractions the whole night, but was terrified enough that I didn't sleep a bit. 

In the morning we decided to go into the hospital which is where any remaining confidence was promptly stripped away and I became a patient, not a woman or mother.

Part Two