They Didn't Know Me Then

I had a revelation a few weeks back that seems to have really changed the way I interact with people in regards to our natural living side.  I realized that the people I know now didn't know me four years ago.  They didn't know me when I could barely walk.  They didn't know me when I was in so much pain that even sitting or lying down was unbearable.  When I was spending thousands of dollars a year on massages to keep me functioning.  When I was having test after test done, only to be told time and time again that it was all in my head.  That I just was doing this for attention.  They didn't know me when I was horribly depressed and struggling to get anything done.  When I had constant suicidal thoughts.  When I cried every day.  When I hated my life.

They didn't know me through any of that.  They didn't know about the desperation of knowing something is wrong and not getting anyone to listen.  Or the fear of never being able to have a normal life.  Or the shock of being told you may end up on disability for the rest of your life.  Or the disgust of being diagnosed with fibromyalgia simply because the doctor wants you to shut up and leave him alone instead of doing his job.  Or the despair of every doctor trying to prescribe you yet another pain med, another antidepressant.

The people I know today only see who I am now: healthy, happy, and loving life again.  And so what do they think?  They think that my husband (who also had health issues in the past) and I are just a couple of nuts.  Just a pair of hippies who converted to this natural living stuff because it's cool or trendy or because we just love being different. 

They can't possibly know that we had no choice.

They don't know how we were abandoned by the medical community because we didn't want to simply cover up our symptoms.  We wanted to discover and solve the problem!  And so we were forced to go outside the mainstream.  And it worked. And we're healthy.  And we thank God for leading us to the solution.  And we especially thank Him for gently leading us there as He knocked down the walls and prejudices we had built up.

The people who just met us can't understand our skepticism toward the medical community.  They can't understand why I would do things the 'hard' way. Or why I research everything on my own instead of just doing what my doctor says is 'proven'.

But one thing they can and should know about us is that we aren't going to change. Not to fit in.  Not to be accepted.  Not to be normal.

Because none of those things will ever be worth my health.

The Me I was Before

I suppose most people look back at their younger selves and feel they hardly know that person anymore.  They look back at choices they made and wonder what they were thinking, but for me I'm stunned by even the personality of the girl I used to be.  Some of the change has to do with age and experiences, but I attribute most of it to my health.  More specifically to my extreme nearly 15 year vitamin D deficiency that has since been remedied.

My deficiency was so extreme that I struggled with constant pain and pretty severe depression.  I was constantly on one or more medications, desperately trying to function in college.  Really, I think at times, I was more just trying to stay alive.  And you know what?  Pain and depression will make you do a lot of things.  I was desperate to feel happy and accepted for even just a short time.  Fortunately, God protected me from many things.  I came away from that season of life with a few regrets, but none that really continue to haunt me.

Now a few years into being healthy, I barely know that girl I was.  My brain and emotions process the world so differently now!  I almost feel like my life didn't begin until I was healthy.  Before that, it was just a blur of a swinging pendulum of emotions.  Everything just felt so out of control.  Now here I am.  A different person.  And life still feels out of control at times, but I don't.  I get sad, but I'm not depressed.  I get sore, but I don't struggle with chronic pain.  I have days when I can't get motivated, but usually there's a reason (like a teething toddler who doesn't want to sleep anymore!) or it's just a bad day which I think most people have.  But the bad times don't just go on and on with no end in sight.  I don't just have to grit my teeth anymore and accept that depression and pain are a constant. 

I wouldn't go back and change anything.  There's part of me that wishes my life had been different.  That I had been different.  But God had a plan for my life and obviously the vitamin D deficiency was part of it.  I learned a lot.  About God.  About myself and the wrong views I had of God and the world.  About others.  About sympathy.  About providence.  About the soul vs. the mind.  About my health.  About, about, about.  God used those experiences to make me who I am today.  Those health issues led me down paths that I would not have picked had I been a healthy young adult.  But those paths were the right ones for me in the plan God had. 

I'll do a post soon about how I eventually got my health figured out.  It was a long hard road, but well worth the fight.