House Remodel

I just need to talk about something different.  So I thought I'd share our house remodel.  We found our house minutes after signing a 6 month lease on our apartment, so, after pushing the closing out 3 months, we had 3 months to work on it before moving in.  It happened to be just a couple streets over from our apartment, so it was an easy commute to do the work.  So here we go:

Here's how the house greeted us..oh yeah.  That's pink.  And burgundy...mulberry...cranberry.  Oh was it atrocious.  So painting it was obviously at the top of our priority list.  Well, it was kinda in the middle-ish.

The house doesn't look just like this anymore.  It's still tan, but since then we've finished painting the trim, ripped out the bushes, put in a new porch and door, replaced the nursery window, and reshingled the roof.  I should probably go take a new pictures, but that requires more effort than I'm currently willing to invest.

The living room:

Gorgeous isn't it?  The green shag carpeting is my favorite.

A little better?

Another view of the living room.

Here's where you can start to see the major renovations.  Ripping out walls and such.  When we told our new neighbors we were doing renovations, they thought we meant painting and new flooring.  No, when we say renovation, we mean it.

This house had so much wallpaper.  After I had gotten most of it off  in this room, we discovered we had to completely rip out all of these walls anyway.  So glad I wasted my time on it.

We've actually ditched the dining room table and made this area more of an office now.  We finally admitted that we don't entertain, as much as we want to and think we will.

This is probably the most dramatic before and after. 

 

 

 

 I absolutely love this kitchen. There was a long master bedroom that used to be two bedrooms and we took about half of that former third bedroom to enlarge the kitchen.  We also stole its window. (The other half of that bedroom became our master closet)  Those are actually the original cabinets.  My husband and father-in-law rebuilt a couple of them to make this configuration.

 

 A few details:

Our island top

My husband made this out of plywood.  Isn't it gorgeous? 

And the island base.

And this is an old barn door we found and painted.  I love the old door knob hole and keyhole.

I'll have to share the bedrooms, bathroom and basement another time.  Think "green shag carpeted walls" to envision the before.  :)

Thankful

 I jotted down these things to be thankful for when our little one was just over a week old.  It was good for me to go over them again and think of all the ways God was good during that time.  He is still good and the best way to remember that is to reflect on all the ways He has been good.  So here's my brief list of all the things I was thankful for when our little girl was just 9 days old:

• Our nurse for labor and delivery had been a NICU nurse for 6 years.  She knew exactly what to do and stayed calm.  God is good.
• My body gave birth naturally, keeping drugs and pitocin from making things harder on our little one.  God is good.
• I am married to an amazing man, who after hours of assisting me in labor, stood next to our little girl and held her hand for over 4 hours, then drove 45 minutes away to be with her in the NICU. God is good.
• Our doula was a life saver, not just in her assistance and encouragement in labor, but for standing next to me to keep me calm when my husband was with our daughter.  God is good.
• Because I had a natural childbirth, the hospital/doctor were comfortable with releasing me just 12 hours after our daughter's birth so that I could get to the NICU 45 minutes away. God is good.
• A benefit of nursing a toddler that I never considered before is that she can keep my supply up while I can't nurse my baby.  A toddler is a much more effective pump than a pump! In a world where mothers struggle to produce enough milk for their NICU babies, the nurses have been shocked by how much milk I'm getting. God is good.
• My mom felt a strong urge to come out to stay with us before I even knew I was in labor.  She was able to be there to take care of Little Miss and then drove me to the NICU.  I didn't have to be alone for that drive. God is good.
• Choanal atresia (blockage of the nose) is typically associated with quite a few other birth defects (especially heart, kidney and liver problems), but her internal organs are normal. God is good.
• The heart murmur and lung problems our little girl had when she was first born have completely resolved themselves. God is good.
• We were able to stay at a Ronald McDonald house on the hospital campus which allowed us to be close and have access to home cooked meals, an incredible play area for Little Miss, and shuttle rides over the the NICU (so I could go over by myself if I woke up early). God is good.
• Even though I'm confident that a home birth still would have had good results, I'm not sure how confidently I would feel about that fact if we HAD had a home birth.  God closed those doors for a reason and we are grateful. God is good.
• We have great insurance through my husband's work that allows us to not even worry about how much a NICU stay costs.  God is good.
• I have been recovering well and have been physically strong enough to keep going and do what needs to be done.  A few years ago, I don't think I could have physically handled all of this.  God is good.
• The research that I've done over the past few years has given me the confidence to know that nothing I did caused our daughter's blocked nasal passages.  I'm not saying there are not environmental factors or that there isn't a distinct cause we don't know about, but I do not feel guilty about the choices I made during her pregnancy.  In fact, the nurses have commented on how healthy and well nourished our little girl is.  I think all the changes I've made over the past few years are what have made her healthy enough to fight through these issues.  God is good.
• Choanal atresia is fixable unlike so many other birth defects.  Although my baby has to be on all sorts of contraptions to breathe for these few weeks, she will not live her whole life on them.  God is good.
• My husband and I have a whole new level of understanding and sympathy for any family that spends time in the NICU.  God is good.
• Our parents have pretty flexible work schedules that allowed them to be with us last week and also for the upcoming surgery.  We are so glad we have support and help with Little Miss. God is good.
• Even though it's not very convenient with all the tubes and monitors, our baby is doing all the things a baby should be doing.  Because she's so strong and feisty, she does need to be sedated or given muscle relaxers about once a day, but we are glad she's not lethargic. God is good.
• The lactation consultants at the NICU have been very encouraging about me continuing to nurse my toddler.  No one has suggested that I need to wean her in order to save my milk for my baby.  God is good.
• My baby has not gotten any formula.  She has had antibiotics, but with all that I've learned about gut health, I hope I can undo some of the damage done.  God is good.
• Little Miss is thrilled to pieces that Mommy is making milk again.  She now has to stop nursing periodically to smile up at me and say "num num num." Love it.  God is good.
• Since our little girl was born on a Sunday, word got out right away that she needed prayers.  We had churches all over the country praying for her recovery. God is good.

I wish I would have kept this list up during her entire stay in the NICU, but life just didn't work that way.   God really is good, even though it is so incredibly hard for me to remember that sometimes.  Guess I'll have to start up another list.

Just Too Tired

I'm sorry I haven't updated in such a long time.  Our little girl has been home for a bit over a month now and we're still just trying to adjust to life with not only two kids, but a special needs child as well.  She keeps me hopping all day and night, but we're glad to have her home.  At some point I'll write out her birth story and the story of our time at the NICU.  It's still just too soon.  And I'll write too about the struggles we're having with bonding now that she's home.  There was a lot of trauma in her first few months and I have to admit I don't feel like she's mine yet.  I feel like her nurse and I'm afraid she sees me that way, too.  Things are getting better, but we're still in crisis/survival mode.  Please just continue to pray for us.  And pray for me as I still grieve what we've lost and struggle to make up for it now. 

SHE'S HOME!!!!

That's right!  After 8 weeks and 2 days, she is finally home where she belongs.  This is definitely a difficult transition with all the care she requires, but she's very much worth it.  Now if we can just get big sister to not care SO much about her baby sister, then all will be well.

Finally holding BOTH of my girls

Soon?

Just a quick update to let you know our little girl is doing well and will hopefully be coming home Tuesday!  We have sooooo much to do before she gets here, so all prayers are welcome.  It'll be a big transition for everyone, but a joyful one as well.  Can't wait to not have to drive an hour to snuggle her!

Home Stretch?

As much as I didn't want the trach, I must admit how much I love it now.  It has given me my daughter back.  Now that she's not struggling for every. single. breath. she is starting to act like a regular 6 week old.  She's starting to smile and even gave a big smile to her big sister before her surgeries on Monday.  Those surgeries went well.  Her fundoplication went smoothly and the surgeon was able to do it laparoscopically so she just has a few small incisions.  Her feeding tube is also in place and they're going to start pedialyte tomorrow and hopefully breastmilk after that.

I still hate the thought of the fundo, but I firmly believe it was our only option.  And the best option.  Now we can start weaning off the fortification added to my breastmilk (we couldn't increase volume for the necessary calories to heal for fear that she would aspirate).  But now her volumes can go up and we can get that junk out.  I'm not sure we would have been comfortable taking her home either, thinking she was going to aspirate all the time. 

So now I think we might be in the home stretch.  She needs to heal up from her surgeries yesterday and we'll see how she does with the feeding tube.  Her trach is still healing as well, but the surgeon is happy with her progress.  Then the hubby and I need to learn how to take care of everything.  I'm already getting fairly comfortable with all the suctioning that needs to be done, but am definitely nervous about having to change the trach out.  Cuts give me the heebie jeebies, so a hole in my child's throat is definitely going to make my stomach do some serious flip flops.  But I'll get used to it.  Lots of parents do.  I just want her home.  I want her to be in our life.  No matter how different life will be from what we expected, I still want it to go on.  Life has just been on hold while we've spent the last 6 weeks commuting an hour to spend a few hours with her.  I'm anxious to wake up in the morning and have her there in the room.  And get to snuggle her whenever I want.  Man, that's gonna be nice.  *sigh*

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

Well, in surgery Thursday the ENT discovered built up scar tissue in her nose and he cleared it out.  He thought that would solve the problem and she wouldn't need a tracheotomy, but things are different now.  She started struggling the morning after surgery.  Laboring again with each breath and in lots of pain.  So they intubated her (put in a breathing tube and ventilator), and she extubated herself (pulled it out) so they intubated her again. And gave her morphine.  And she extubated herself again yesterday. So the intubated yet again.  And gave her a higher dose of morphine. And she's finally comfortable.  For now.  They now want to do a trach asap.  As in tomorrow.  We knew this was always a possibility.  The trach wasn't going to be off the table for at least the next year because of her nose.  And that's why when the surgery went well, we didn't get as excited as our families.  Surgeries can go well and recoveries can go badly.  One minute you can feel like you're finally making progress and turn around and find you're right back to where you started. 

I'm trying to gear up for the fact that we will be here another month at least.  Who spends at least two months in the NICU with a full term baby??????  It just sucks.  And I'm just tired.  And I just want to wake up from this bad dream and still be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby.  But that won't happen.  I'll keep plodding along and am just praying that someday I get to take her home.  When you see your baby hooked up to every monitor imaginable, you start to wonder if that will ever happen.  And the horror that consumes you at the thought that that might not ever happen is unbearable.  But there's no adrenalin left to cry or scream.  You just continue to feel it all with absolutely no release.

When she does come home, we won't be leaving the NICU behind or returning to our "normal" lives. The lives we thought we'd have with two kids. No, we'll be coming home with a trach, a feeding tube, a suction machine, and monitors.  We won't be going for long walks or an afternoon at the pool.  There won't be showing off my newest baby to the world, but just trying to keep people away as she continues to heal.  There won't be listening to her make baby noises as she won't be able to make any sounds with the trach.  I would gladly take the crying to get those baby noises. There won't be snuggling on the couch as I breastfeed her, just pumping at some point and hooking up a feeding pump to her feeding tube every few hours.  We'll be making lots of trips to doctors and therapists as well.   Life doesn't go back to "normal" once she comes home.  It will be a new normal and we'll gladly jump thru all the hoops necessary to get her home and healthy, but that doesn't mean we won't remember what we dreamed it would be like. There's part of us that will always grieve what we've missed out in the last five weeks.