Breathing

Surgery was a success and my little girl is breathing thru her nose!  I never dreamed I could get so teary eyed seeing my baby close her mouth and keep breathing!  Simply amazing.  We're still not out of the woods yet.  Her nose has to be irrigated every hour to keep it from getting blocked up as it heals.  She also needed a blood transfusion to get her hemoglobin levels up.  She doesn't look nearly as pale anymore which is a huge relief to her mama.  We're just hanging in there.  She's not ready to try nursing yet as her oxygen levels decrease whenever she gets moved around (her little nose still hurts quite a bit) so she still has a feeding tube, but she is back up to full feedings and no longer on an IV.  Everything seems to be moving along very well, but I don't think I feel relieved until she's home with us, nursing, being held in the wrap, and with me 24/7.  Then I'll probably have the good cry I need to get out, but just won't come.  Maybe I'll even start breathing again, although my little girl might need to give me a lesson or two.

Going Against My Mommy Instincts

I've been discouraged from going to the NICU to see my baby. 
And I think it's the right thing. 
But I hate it. 

She's extremely uncomfortable with the breathing apparatus they've rigged up and gets agitated easily.  She's feisty. :) But when I'm there, she won't calm down.  She wants to be with me. When I hold her, she loves it, but when I put her down, she hates it.  I want to hold her.  I want to snuggle her all day.  But I can't.  I have another daughter who needs me.  I need to eat and pump and sleep so I can be ready when she comes home.  And when she gets agitated like that and they can't get her to calm down, they have to drug her.  And I hate that. 

So I'm staying away.  Just until the surgery on Friday morning, but it breaks my heart.  I hate thinking of her lying there alone with no one to touch her, talk to her, sing to her, snuggle her. The nurses said they just try to leave her alone as much as possible.  And I know that's the best thing for her right now, but it goes against everything in me as her mommy. 

This will be Day 2 of not seeing her. We'll all be heading up to the NICU tomorrow evening to stay overnight before the surgery and then hopefully sometime after the surgery (hours? days?) I'll get to hold her again.  And she won't have to struggle to breathe.  And maybe I'll get to nurse her and comfort her the way she really wants to be comforted.  I cannot wait for that day.  And then I cannot wait for the day I can bring her home.  And nurse her on demand.  And wear her in the wrap. And take her for a walk. And see her entire face. And get to know her. And watch her grow (but not too fast! I've already missed too much!).

I miss my baby. 

All that Hath Life and Breath

In times of trial, Christians many times say that God never gives us more than we can handle.  But He does.  He gives us more than we could ever handle on our own.  Why else would we run to Him in times such as these?  My first daughter has a hymn with her name: Great is Thy Faithfulness and our newest daughter also has a hymn.  God amazes me with how well He knew her and her situation before we had any idea!  God kept steering me back to the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty.  I kept pulling away from it, but He kept bringing it up again and again.  We sang it at multiple churches on multiple occasions and now, where we are, I can see how perfect it is for my little girl:

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise him, for he is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear,
Now to his temple draw near,
Join me in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under his wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what he ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee!
Surely his goodness and mercy here daily attend thee;
Ponder anew
What the Almighty will do,
If with his love he befriend thee!

Praise to the Lord, who with marvelous wisdom hath made thee,
Decked thee with health, and with loving hand guided and stayed thee.
How oft in grief
Hath not he brought thee relief,
Spreading his wings to o'ershade thee!

Praise to the Lord! O let all that is in me adore him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before him.
Let the Amen
Sound from his people again;
Gladly fore'er we adore him.

Could that not be more perfect for our little girl, struggling to breathe and spending weeks in the NICU?  I've printed out the words and hung them up in her room and they are a constant source of comfort to me.  Not just the words themselves, but the reminder that our loving, sovereign God worked out so many things to bring this hymn to my mind over and over again.  If He cares that much about her name and what hymn I picked to go with it, then surely He cares enough to watch over her and care for her.  Praise to the Lord!

Living in the Land of Pushing

At some point I hope to process and write out all that happened during and since my second daughter's birth, but at this point I more just want to talk about where I'm at right now.

We got to the point of pushing rather unexpectedly after I laid down to rest before starting up pitocin (I had stalled out at a 7 for quite a few hours and was exhausted).  Apparently my body just needed a few minutes of sleep to get us to the next phase.  After just 15 minutes of sleep interrupted by 3 contractions, I was pushing my little girl out.  I was not ready mentally or emotionally to enter into the pushing and as my daughter's heart rate started to drop, natural pushing was replaced with forced pushing and panic.  There were quite a few moments where I went over the edge of panic and screamed and screamed.  I yelled that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do it.  Thank the Lord for our doula and my husband who kept bringing me back to the task at hand.  My doula kept saying, "You are doing it!" In my recollection, we couldn't have pushed for more than 15 or 20 minutes, but who knows what reality was?  I got her out.  Without pictocin.  Without the vacuum.  My body got her out. 

But most women say after you hold that new little life, you forget all about the Land of Pushing.  It fades away as you look at your baby.  But I didn't get to hold her.  I didn't even get to see more than her arms and legs over on the table across the room, not moving.  And I don't think I ever left the Land of Pushing.  I still remember the terror I felt and falling over the edge into panic.  I think I'm still living there.  So many times throughout the last week, I wanted to start screaming again like I did when pushing.  I wanted to yell to everyone around me that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do this.  My doula's words kept coming back to me though.  You are doing it.

But I've set up camp here.  I've pitched my tent right here at the edge of panic.  I look forward to the day when I can take this tent down, take my baby home, and move away from where I am now.  I know that day will come, but I can't think about how far away it may be.  All I can do is remember that no matter how much I feel like I can't do it, I am still doing it. There is no choice.  Time continues on.

She's Here, But Not Home.

Our little girl has arrived, but has not yet been held by Mommy or Daddy.  She was born a little after midnight (I don't actually know the time come to think of it) but wasn't breathing.  Once she was stabilized enough she was taken to a NICU about 45 minutes from where we live.  My husband was able to go right away with her, but I had to stay a bit longer.  Fortunately because her birth was natural and I had minimal tearing, I was discharger about 12 hrs after her birth and able to join everyone at the NICU. 

She has now been officially diagnosed with bilateral choanal atresia which is where both nasal passages are blocked.  As babies are obligate nose breathers, this kept our little girl from getting any breaths after birth.  She will require surgery, but they want to rule out other conditions as choanal atresia is typically seen with other problems.  She has already been weaned off oxygen and blood pressure meds and a heart murmur she had when she first arrived has resolved itself.  She is on antibiotics for possible pneumonia because she has so much junk in her lungs. 

Please be praying for our little girl and also her parents and sister.  Little Miss is having a rough time being uprooted and not seeing Mommy as often, but the girl is also helping keep my supply up along with pumping so hopefully her sister will still get to nurse at some point.  Hopefully by the end of the day we will have some idea of what the next step is and how soon they can fix her nose.

And even though I haven't held her or seen her entire face yet, I can tell you she is quite the cutie and quite the little fighter.  Cannot wait until she's in my arms and I can look at that sweet girl for hours!