At some point I hope to process and write out all that happened during and since my second daughter's birth, but at this point I more just want to talk about where I'm at right now.
We got to the point of pushing rather unexpectedly after I laid down to rest before starting up pitocin (I had stalled out at a 7 for quite a few hours and was exhausted). Apparently my body just needed a few minutes of sleep to get us to the next phase. After just 15 minutes of sleep interrupted by 3 contractions, I was pushing my little girl out. I was not ready mentally or emotionally to enter into the pushing and as my daughter's heart rate started to drop, natural pushing was replaced with forced pushing and panic. There were quite a few moments where I went over the edge of panic and screamed and screamed. I yelled that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do it. Thank the Lord for our doula and my husband who kept bringing me back to the task at hand. My doula kept saying, "You are doing it!" In my recollection, we couldn't have pushed for more than 15 or 20 minutes, but who knows what reality was? I got her out. Without pictocin. Without the vacuum. My body got her out.
But most women say after you hold that new little life, you forget all about the Land of Pushing. It fades away as you look at your baby. But I didn't get to hold her. I didn't even get to see more than her arms and legs over on the table across the room, not moving. And I don't think I ever left the Land of Pushing. I still remember the terror I felt and falling over the edge into panic. I think I'm still living there. So many times throughout the last week, I wanted to start screaming again like I did when pushing. I wanted to yell to everyone around me that it hurt too much, that I couldn't do this. My doula's words kept coming back to me though. You are doing it.
But I've set up camp here. I've pitched my tent right here at the edge of panic. I look forward to the day when I can take this tent down, take my baby home, and move away from where I am now. I know that day will come, but I can't think about how far away it may be. All I can do is remember that no matter how much I feel like I can't do it, I am still doing it. There is no choice. Time continues on.