I've been discouraged from going to the NICU to see my baby.
And I think it's the right thing.
But I hate it.
She's extremely uncomfortable with the breathing apparatus they've rigged up and gets agitated easily. She's feisty. :) But when I'm there, she won't calm down. She wants to be with me. When I hold her, she loves it, but when I put her down, she hates it. I want to hold her. I want to snuggle her all day. But I can't. I have another daughter who needs me. I need to eat and pump and sleep so I can be ready when she comes home. And when she gets agitated like that and they can't get her to calm down, they have to drug her. And I hate that.
So I'm staying away. Just until the surgery on Friday morning, but it breaks my heart. I hate thinking of her lying there alone with no one to touch her, talk to her, sing to her, snuggle her. The nurses said they just try to leave her alone as much as possible. And I know that's the best thing for her right now, but it goes against everything in me as her mommy.
This will be Day 2 of not seeing her. We'll all be heading up to the NICU tomorrow evening to stay overnight before the surgery and then hopefully sometime after the surgery (hours? days?) I'll get to hold her again. And she won't have to struggle to breathe. And maybe I'll get to nurse her and comfort her the way she really wants to be comforted. I cannot wait for that day. And then I cannot wait for the day I can bring her home. And nurse her on demand. And wear her in the wrap. And take her for a walk. And see her entire face. And get to know her. And watch her grow (but not too fast! I've already missed too much!).
I miss my baby.