Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Going Against My Mommy Instincts

I've been discouraged from going to the NICU to see my baby. 
And I think it's the right thing. 
But I hate it. 

She's extremely uncomfortable with the breathing apparatus they've rigged up and gets agitated easily.  She's feisty. :) But when I'm there, she won't calm down.  She wants to be with me. When I hold her, she loves it, but when I put her down, she hates it.  I want to hold her.  I want to snuggle her all day.  But I can't.  I have another daughter who needs me.  I need to eat and pump and sleep so I can be ready when she comes home.  And when she gets agitated like that and they can't get her to calm down, they have to drug her.  And I hate that. 

So I'm staying away.  Just until the surgery on Friday morning, but it breaks my heart.  I hate thinking of her lying there alone with no one to touch her, talk to her, sing to her, snuggle her. The nurses said they just try to leave her alone as much as possible.  And I know that's the best thing for her right now, but it goes against everything in me as her mommy. 

This will be Day 2 of not seeing her. We'll all be heading up to the NICU tomorrow evening to stay overnight before the surgery and then hopefully sometime after the surgery (hours? days?) I'll get to hold her again.  And she won't have to struggle to breathe.  And maybe I'll get to nurse her and comfort her the way she really wants to be comforted.  I cannot wait for that day.  And then I cannot wait for the day I can bring her home.  And nurse her on demand.  And wear her in the wrap. And take her for a walk. And see her entire face. And get to know her. And watch her grow (but not too fast! I've already missed too much!).

I miss my baby. 

1 comment:

Donna Jean said...

You are doing such an amazing job loving that beautiful little girl - even from a distance. And you said it just right, you are doing the best thing for her - because your mommy instincts are telling you to. She knows how much you love her (otherwise she wouldn't get so irritated when she has to be put back after spending some time with you)! We are praying for you and your family and especially for little Evelyn. You are the best mommy for that little girl, that's why she was given to you - just keep relying on God - even if at times it feels like He's not listening. You'll have her home before you know it and they you don't ever have to put her down or be separated from her!