Monday, November 1, 2010

The Me I was Before

I suppose most people look back at their younger selves and feel they hardly know that person anymore.  They look back at choices they made and wonder what they were thinking, but for me I'm stunned by even the personality of the girl I used to be.  Some of the change has to do with age and experiences, but I attribute most of it to my health.  More specifically to my extreme nearly 15 year vitamin D deficiency that has since been remedied.

My deficiency was so extreme that I struggled with constant pain and pretty severe depression.  I was constantly on one or more medications, desperately trying to function in college.  Really, I think at times, I was more just trying to stay alive.  And you know what?  Pain and depression will make you do a lot of things.  I was desperate to feel happy and accepted for even just a short time.  Fortunately, God protected me from many things.  I came away from that season of life with a few regrets, but none that really continue to haunt me.

Now a few years into being healthy, I barely know that girl I was.  My brain and emotions process the world so differently now!  I almost feel like my life didn't begin until I was healthy.  Before that, it was just a blur of a swinging pendulum of emotions.  Everything just felt so out of control.  Now here I am.  A different person.  And life still feels out of control at times, but I don't.  I get sad, but I'm not depressed.  I get sore, but I don't struggle with chronic pain.  I have days when I can't get motivated, but usually there's a reason (like a teething toddler who doesn't want to sleep anymore!) or it's just a bad day which I think most people have.  But the bad times don't just go on and on with no end in sight.  I don't just have to grit my teeth anymore and accept that depression and pain are a constant. 

I wouldn't go back and change anything.  There's part of me that wishes my life had been different.  That I had been different.  But God had a plan for my life and obviously the vitamin D deficiency was part of it.  I learned a lot.  About God.  About myself and the wrong views I had of God and the world.  About others.  About sympathy.  About providence.  About the soul vs. the mind.  About my health.  About, about, about.  God used those experiences to make me who I am today.  Those health issues led me down paths that I would not have picked had I been a healthy young adult.  But those paths were the right ones for me in the plan God had. 

I'll do a post soon about how I eventually got my health figured out.  It was a long hard road, but well worth the fight.


Cassie said...

Wow! How'd you find out that you had the diffeciency?
I feel the same way you do about some stuff I did in college. Not that I was super bad or did anything crazy but I'm definitley not the person I am today! And sometimes I used to regret but now I'm just happy and content because I love my life now and can't change anything anyway.
How are you feeling these days?!

Megan said...

I finally found a doctor who LISTENED! He actually believed me when I said I was in pain and didn't just write it off as the depression.

Just starting to feel a bit better now that I'm into the second trimester. Eating isn't simply a chore anymore which is nice. Finally getting some energy back too. How about you?